i want her to go away.
i want her to see that she's not welcome.
i want her to realize that you're better off without her.

because i can't help but remember,
how you were about to replace me,
how you were ready to let me go.
"i've known her for years".
if that's what's important for you, we're clearly
going to have alot of problems.

i met her yesterday, she walked up to you,
with the biggest smile on her face.
she started up a conversation with you,
trying to avoid getting me into it,
but i still put in the random laugh,
the random agreeing.
she did not make eye contact with me once.
avoiding my glance.
i just wanted to walk away and start screaming.
i wanted to scream at her,
and tell her how much you've hurt me,
because of her.
how she's so much prettier then me,
slimmer then me,
but i sure as hell know, she could never ever
love you as much as me.

i've always wanted to be someone's everything.
i've always gotten replaced with someone wittier,
prettier, slimmer, funnier, just better all around.
and for once, i had been so convinced that i was going
to infact, be that person.

but reality smashed down on me.
i was over it. it was done.
it happened over a month ago,
and i had finally gotten her out of my head.
but she walks up to you, like i didn't even exist.
and then, big fucking suprise,
you let go of my hand.
you have no idea how much i hate her.
you have no idea how many nights there,
i lay staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out,
what she has that i don't.

no matter how many pretty words you say,
telling me how she dosn't matter,
and how much we trust eachother,
and how you tell me everything,
you don't.
or i wouldn't have been so hurt,
you tried to HIDE her from me,
that's lying.

and all i can say, is that i still feel cheated.
because bottom line is

emotional cheating is worse then physical.

On February 28th, 2009, i saw the most terrifying thing i had ever witnessed.
sitting at a red light on the highway, a car zoomed by us on our right, and went right through the light, colliding with a car that was getting off the highway. to my horror, the car that had missed the light flew up in the air and was rolling over itself, hit the traffic light, and rolled into the ditch. When i saw the car zoom by, i didn't even have time to think about what happened, i just remember seeing a big car, an SUV or a Pickup with a box of some sort. By the time it was done rolling, it looked like a station wagon. I watched the whole thing in awe, thinking maybe i was dreaming, but the minute Charles touched my arm, everything became real. Everything hit replay in my mind, and everything was colliding inside, and i couldn't think, and i could barely breathe. I lost control. i wanted to go out and help, but Charles knew as well as i did that i wasn't even in a state to do anything. Charles called 911 and we were told to stay there. My panic was growing as i had no idea if anyone was still alive. After seeing that crash, it was impossible that anyone was still alive. That's the only thing that was going through my mind as Charles was trying to calm me down, and i just couldn't. The only thing that let me catch my breath was that i wanted to see what was going on.

I ended up having to make a statement, and the police officer told us that everyone was going to be okay. I'm sure everyone who saw this, thought the people involved were going to be done for.



all this to say, that all that Charles could come up with, was "someone was watching out for us tonight". i couldn't agree more. If Charles would have chosen the right lane, we would have been hit from the back, at 100 km/h. It got me really thinking, and ever so grateful to be alive. Even though i was still shaking and crying, i was in "awe" that i hadn't just been sent to the hospital. I could have been in that van's place. But we were safe, and i sat there, almost in a dream. All i could think about when we were driving off, was Dan. I felt like he had honestly been there for me, and i still feel like he's there every day.