i woke up this morning,
and thought i could feel your arms around me again. with my eyes still closed, i was confused for a moment and thought i was still in your bed. i thought i was still so close to you, that i would get to turn around and kiss you. but the moment that i opened them, reality sank in and i was sad for a little moment. i realized that i was in my own bed, alone. but then the smile came back, knowing i had been in your bed just last night, cuddling the night away. And this smile, is such an amazing smile, it just feels amazing to smile this way. i don't think anyone else will ever be able to make me smile this way. i honestly feel like you're going to be in my life forever, because i can't even imagine you not being in it anymore. but i know you will, because i also feel like this was supposed to happen, just like karma. i feel like i must have done something amazing for you to walk into my life, and change it with such strength, and so quickly.

you've made me smile all the time,
and i would never want it any other way.

you're beautiful.

"you really are a beautiful person"
you honestly almost made me cry,
they were the most amazing words i had
ever heard from your mouth.

everytime i look at you, i fall for you that much more.
everytime you open your mouth and you're short for words,
it makes my stomach turn upside down,
so the butterflies try to get out.

you make everything so beautiful,
i wish you could see what it looks like,
to see you looking back at me.
because honestly, i get lost in your eyes.
and my mind starts racing,
and so does my heart.

everything that we are,
everything that we will be,
and everything that we could be.

and i'm so, so excited for the future.

i wrote you a letter, stating how i feel about you.
i wasn't sure whether i was going to give it to you or not,
not sure what you'd think of it.

I knew you'd react to it somehow,
and i knew you'd atleast act like you liked it.
i was afraid i'd look obsessed.
but really, all these fears were unfounded.
i laid beside you, as you read
what my heart looked like, into words.
i gave you a view into my heart,
almost like a window.

you sat there, and smiled the whole time.
laughed a little bit.
i could hear you smile, somehow.
i could feel my heart smiling, too.
when you were done reading,
you lay down and kissed me.
with the biggest smile on your face.

i had never felt so relieved,

when you smiled at me and told me i was beautiful,

inside and out.

that i was the most amazing person you had ever met.

just knowing, that you acknowledged how i feel,

and accepting it, would have been good enough for me.

i could have never asked for you to feel the same way,

i could have never even imagined it.

everytime i think about it,

i can't get over the fact that all this is happening.

i'm in love with who you are,
as a person, as a friend, and as a lover.

And i promise.

We had a real big talk last night.

"I just don't know if it's right to say just yet, but i can't say it any other way, i love you."
"i feel like i love you already, it's safe to say"

i couldn't stop smiling.


i'm at a loss for words really.
i know, i've felt this way before, i won't deny it.
but not this fast, not this strongly,
but the one thing that's different is, you're the first one to actually feel exactly the same way.


you spend hours with me like it's the last time you'll ever see me.
you make me feel beautiful inside and out.
i feel beautiful, about who i am, and everything i do.
i feel beautiful with who i portray as a person.


i thought i was over thinking things,
trying to convince myself that you liked me.
but our lips are moving, and we're not talking.
and i'm falling in love with you.

This feeling is almost overwhelming.
I have never felt so loved in my entire life.
I always had to tell myself it was going to work, when it was clearly going downhill.
I wrote pretty words, trying to convince myself that everything was amazing.

but for the first time, i can sit there and smile, and be in love with who i am,
and who you are.

You're not sure if you want a relationship.
But truth be told, "official" or not, you have my heart, and i have yours.
i don't care about some stupid facebook status, or bragging to my friends.
all this means nothing.

What means the most is how i can hold you so close,
and my heart feels like it's in a marching band.
my insides go into a twisting bundle of joy, and i end up shaking.
it's not about rushing into anything,
it's appreciating every single second i can be with you.
from late night mochas, to just staring at each other, almost in a trance.

this is what it's all about.
i'm in love with you, already, somehow.
i know love is a big word,
but so is this feeling.
i fall asleep with a smile on my face, and i feel like i could live off of happiness.
i forget about everything else in the world, and everything seems that much more beautiful.

thank you, so much.

Dear fuck head.

It's not that i got over you quickly. well, rather, i wouldn't have but you made me that way. a lie is a lie, no matter how serious.

you made me so mad, i forgot everything i ever felt for you.
well, rather, i got over it in moments.
and as i told you to get the fuck out, i didn't regret it one single bit.
and i still don't.

i've met a boy who will treat me right.
and he makes me happier then you EVER did.
he's just so genuinely wonderful,
he makes me so happy i could cry.
i always had to be dressed up, makeuped up to feel beautiful in front of you.

the thing is, he wakes me up in the morning, with my hair out of wack, my makeup running, and my baggy pjs.

and still, he wakes me up whispering "good morning beautiful"


i'm sorry, but you don't compare.
i don't think you ever could.


he has a bigger heart then you,
he would never lie to me,
and he dosn't make me feel like i need to be better then i really am.

tough luck, fucker.
don't even try to make me feel bad,
don't even try to get back with me.
it's not working.

Dear Holly.

Dear Holly.

You complete me.

You've always been there, and i hope you know i'll always be there for you. you are probably the most amazing person i've met in my entire life, i could remember times we've had and i'd have a smile on my face for the rest of my days.You've kept my head up for so long, when i was ready to give up. you brighten up my world, and everyday i spend with you is the new best day of my life. I honestly mean that. You are an amazing person, with a heart of gold. I could only wish to someday have close to the heart that you have, i would be so happy. you make mesmile every moment i'm with you, and i miss you when you're gone. i love our chinatown, pottage adventures. you make me smile everytime i talk to you, and really,from the first day i ever met you, i knew we were going to be close. but i had no idea what this was going to become, how you were going to be the person i could tell anything to, that you would be the one i would call my bestfriend until the dayi die. You always put everyone else's happiness ahead of yours, gah, really, you have no idea how amazing you are, i wish you could see it. i am so ridiculously proud of you, and what you've acomplished. i'm so proud to even know you. just as a person, you have so much that people should look up to. i can't even think of one negative thing about you, you constantly amaze me. you were always there for me when i needed you the most, and holly, i swear to you, i promise, i will never ever give up on you. because that's not an option, it's not in consideration. therei s no way that could wouldn't be my bestfriend. i love every single thing about you. how you walk how you talk and how you act. i love the way you smile, and how we get into giggle fits and can't stop laughing. i don't think you could ever understand how much you mean to me, and i don't think i could ever put it into words. i could try forever if you asked me to. i would come up with millions of words hoping you could just grasp a tiny sight of what you mean to me. you brighten up my world, really. i don't know if i could ever get sick of you. scratch that, i never could. you make me smile, and i never get enough of you. i could see you everyday and iwould always be so happy. i am so ever grateful to have you in my life.


never forget that.
you are amazing.
and i love you with every bone in my body.

-marty.

I miss you.

They always said that time would make things easier,
That it would numb the pain.
But the truth is, I miss you more everyday,
And it just gets harder every time i open my eyes.
I’ve pushed you into the deepest part of my mind, and my heart.
Your very existence is almost a secret, isolated from the world, but you opened up to me.

I miss you terribly, to say the least.
I almost hear the soft tremble of your voice sometimes,
As I close my eyes to go to sleep.
And the way your fingertips brushed those strings,
Chords of despair ringing out of your guitar
You will always be my lullaby.

I have nothing left of you but a memory, a broken picture, a vague sound of laughter.
You told me you saw my face like an angel, that I was the best thing in your life,
The only thing keeping you in this insane place we call life.
« Bring me with the grace of an angel where life has it’s end and reasons »
Those words will forever haunt my mind.

I lost hope in god when you lost sight of life.
But yet, i want to believe more then anything that you’re okay, in a good place.
I wish i could believe looking up at the big blue sky, that you’d be there smiling at me.
I’d do anything to see your face just one more time.
One more smile, one more embrace, I’d do anything.
And i can honestly say that, I would give up anything.
I’d give up everything, just to see you smile at me one more time,
Because without you, I feel empty.
A big part of my heart died when you did, and it’s not coming back, and neither are you.

I need you so much more, then you could have ever imagined.
I fall apart; I need you here, not just in my heart.
As much as I kick and scream, you’re not coming back.
It gets hard to breathe every time I think about you,
You just left so suddenly, and I’m just so happy I got to say that i love you.
I got to tell you that I love you, and I always will.
I think that’s what’s letting me stay sane.

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay.
I don’t think the fact that you’re gone will ever seem less bitter.
It’s been two years already, and somehow, you’re still always on my mind.
Your death will never be okay in my eyes, nor my heart.
It’s refusing to let go.

I find myself writing about you all the time
Words are the only thing i have left, all I can remember.
How you told me fairy tales didn’t exist, that they were clearly a lie.
I insisted they did, but with you gone, you were right, they don’t.
Nothing will ever be perfect without you here.
I wanted us to grow old together, look back on our lives and smile,
But I’m already looking back on yours and I have a teary eyed smile.

I often find myself looking up, trying to see something that isn’t there.
Trying to get a hint, that maybe you’re alright.
I have no proof of that, I wish I did.
I hope you’re happy now, I know you fought this for too long.
This should have never ended this way,
i know what you did, you know me too well.
And I thank you for that, because of what you did, I don’t blame myself for what happened.
I know i would have, you knew it too.
Thank you so much.

You’ve saved me from myself so many times,
You kept a smile on my face when I needed you most,
And now I have to get up every day, knowing I have to do this by myself.
I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want to have to live this crazy life by myself.
But i have to keep my head up high, and I’m doing it for you.

I know you want the best for me, you always have.
Sometimes I’ll be walking, and I’ll think I heard your voice.
I’ll turn around and I’ll realize I’m alone.
It’s always a soft whisper, as if you were telling me a secret in my ear.
You always sound so far away, and I can never make out what you’re saying.
But I’m sure they’d be pretty words.
Loving, beautiful words.

I have never loved a human being so much in my entire life,
And I don’t think I ever will.
You will always and forever be the love of my life,
The one who got away,
The one who slipped away,
And the voice inside my head.

You were always my lullaby.

May ‘06

I love you Dan.