I miss you.

They always said that time would make things easier,
That it would numb the pain.
But the truth is, I miss you more everyday,
And it just gets harder every time i open my eyes.
I’ve pushed you into the deepest part of my mind, and my heart.
Your very existence is almost a secret, isolated from the world, but you opened up to me.

I miss you terribly, to say the least.
I almost hear the soft tremble of your voice sometimes,
As I close my eyes to go to sleep.
And the way your fingertips brushed those strings,
Chords of despair ringing out of your guitar
You will always be my lullaby.

I have nothing left of you but a memory, a broken picture, a vague sound of laughter.
You told me you saw my face like an angel, that I was the best thing in your life,
The only thing keeping you in this insane place we call life.
« Bring me with the grace of an angel where life has it’s end and reasons »
Those words will forever haunt my mind.

I lost hope in god when you lost sight of life.
But yet, i want to believe more then anything that you’re okay, in a good place.
I wish i could believe looking up at the big blue sky, that you’d be there smiling at me.
I’d do anything to see your face just one more time.
One more smile, one more embrace, I’d do anything.
And i can honestly say that, I would give up anything.
I’d give up everything, just to see you smile at me one more time,
Because without you, I feel empty.
A big part of my heart died when you did, and it’s not coming back, and neither are you.

I need you so much more, then you could have ever imagined.
I fall apart; I need you here, not just in my heart.
As much as I kick and scream, you’re not coming back.
It gets hard to breathe every time I think about you,
You just left so suddenly, and I’m just so happy I got to say that i love you.
I got to tell you that I love you, and I always will.
I think that’s what’s letting me stay sane.

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay.
I don’t think the fact that you’re gone will ever seem less bitter.
It’s been two years already, and somehow, you’re still always on my mind.
Your death will never be okay in my eyes, nor my heart.
It’s refusing to let go.

I find myself writing about you all the time
Words are the only thing i have left, all I can remember.
How you told me fairy tales didn’t exist, that they were clearly a lie.
I insisted they did, but with you gone, you were right, they don’t.
Nothing will ever be perfect without you here.
I wanted us to grow old together, look back on our lives and smile,
But I’m already looking back on yours and I have a teary eyed smile.

I often find myself looking up, trying to see something that isn’t there.
Trying to get a hint, that maybe you’re alright.
I have no proof of that, I wish I did.
I hope you’re happy now, I know you fought this for too long.
This should have never ended this way,
i know what you did, you know me too well.
And I thank you for that, because of what you did, I don’t blame myself for what happened.
I know i would have, you knew it too.
Thank you so much.

You’ve saved me from myself so many times,
You kept a smile on my face when I needed you most,
And now I have to get up every day, knowing I have to do this by myself.
I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want to have to live this crazy life by myself.
But i have to keep my head up high, and I’m doing it for you.

I know you want the best for me, you always have.
Sometimes I’ll be walking, and I’ll think I heard your voice.
I’ll turn around and I’ll realize I’m alone.
It’s always a soft whisper, as if you were telling me a secret in my ear.
You always sound so far away, and I can never make out what you’re saying.
But I’m sure they’d be pretty words.
Loving, beautiful words.

I have never loved a human being so much in my entire life,
And I don’t think I ever will.
You will always and forever be the love of my life,
The one who got away,
The one who slipped away,
And the voice inside my head.

You were always my lullaby.

May ‘06

I love you Dan.