i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

i want you to confront me about me about this,
i want you to ask me what i think,
why i'm so bothered by this girl that obsesses over you.
you hardly notice how much it eats at me.
not because i'm afraid of what you'll do, but i hate how
she gives herself the right, and the power, to call you guys
"a team". you guys arn't a team, you know that, but she
seems to ignore the fact that she's not the only one in your life.

oh wonderful, i just got a text from you, telling me i'm not aloud
to come over anymore. what the fuck is wrong with your dad?
why does he feel the need to ruin everything in your life?
to ban you from living?

you're 19 years old fuck, he grounds you like you're 8.
he's gotten mad at you again, because i was at your house.
i feel like this is all my fault, and i'm causing nothing but trouble.
i feel like i'm only causing you to get in deeper with your dad,
and i feel horrible.

i wish we could just run away,
i wish people would just let us be, and stop us dragging down,
the people who just so happen to be so happy, and
in love.

why the fuck can't people just let us be happy.

bones.

i've found myself falling more for you, everyday.
i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel at this point,
or how i should be thinking,
but i can't imagine my life without you.

in such a small amount of time, you've turned my life around.
you've made me a better person,
and you've made me feel beautiful
when i'm around you.

you've found a way to get the best of me
without having to put up a fight.
you have a clear view into my heart,
and it's all yours for the taking.

"i love you" is a huge understatement.
i have my mind telling me i shouldnt be feeling this way,
so fast, it hasn't even been a month.
but my heart, hell, is telling me a whole different story.

i love you, with every bone in my body.

i was really mad when i wrote that last post. i can see why, and it was only a few hours ago. i was sick of feeling like a secret, and you wern't telling anyone we were dating. i felt like i was being kept undercovers, and when we were together, you never told anyone i was over. it's like we were in our own little world. like when we were with other people, we wern't together, i didn't mean anything, and like you hardly knew me. i confronted you about, with teary eyes and an open heart, and i got the answers i was looking for. or i think i did anyway. i'll find out with time. and then i got slapped right in the face, not literally of course. but i think it hurt even more then if it would have been used in a literal sense.

But after all the tears, and our first "fight", hell, i can see this getting better. i can see why you were confused, and you swore to me, over and over again, that this "thing with mary" that you wrote about, was that you hadn't done anything with her. my gut was telling me to not believe you, because i've been hurt so many times, for believing people when i had every reason not to. but with my heart in my hands, out in the open, again; i'm giving you all of my trust. i've written before that i didn't care about calling you mine. and i still stand by that. it's imagining you being the same way you are with me, with someone else, makes my stomach turn. and even though i try to make it look like it's not eating me up, it still is.

i want to forget about this, i think i'm going to try to pretend like it never happened. but that would be foolish of me, because i can't just let something like this go. we've only been dating for a week, not even. so i should let this one go, i suppose. i want to be the one holding your hand, and making you smile. you keep on telling me she's gone, and that it's just me and you. you swore to me over and over, that nothing ever happened. and i believe you. i think you're afraid. i think you're confused. and i think seeing me breakdown, might have kicked some sense into you. seeing that you had the power to break me, because i cared so much, i think it made you see, what we really have. when you looked me straight in the eye, and poured your heart out to me, you looked like you were about to cry. but one thing that i could really tell, you honestly looked like you were so afraid, and that you were wishing, so hard, that you wern't going to lose me. i could tell, by that look in your eye, that you were holding on to my stare for dear life. "i understand if you're mad at me". i was furious, but not out of anger really, it was purely because i was so hurt, and your arms were the only place that were going to make me feel better.

so i'm not going to forget this, but i'm going to let it go. i'm going to believe your word, because i feel like you're just as scared, confused, and lost as i am. we're both looking for answers about love, life, and everything in between. i want to be holding your hand when we find all these answers. i know the last thing you want to do is hurt me. and i know we're going through a rough patch right now. we've only been dating for a week, and seeing each other for over a month, but we see each other so often it feels like months.

i want to be holding your hand through this crazy adventure we call life.

it's like thinking that there's one more step, and the moment your foot hits emptyness, the bitter feeling of suprise surrounds you, and weighs down on your heart. i sat there, for weeks now, thinking that fairy tales would be jealous of us. that nothing could ever pull us apart. but when reality kicked in, it didn't just walk in the door, it ripped it to shreds, and scared the living shit out of me. my mind went blank, and i could hardly see as my eyes watered up. nothing seemed real as i could feel my palms slam against the walls as i was running down the stairs. the burning feeling was rising, and all i wanted to do was scream, until i couldn't hear anything else. because that's what my heart felt like. it felt an overwhelming amount of anger, caused by hurt. I never expected to hurt this bad, this fast. It all got shoved in my face all at once, and it was just too much to take. my body began to shake, i could hardly breathe. the air felt like it was corrupting my mind, but i needed to gasp for air. you wrote it down, in that little black fucking book. i never go through people's things, but in my intoxicated mind, i just wanted to have a sight into yours, to see what you really thought, and i found it. i found what you were really thinking. and now you deny it, to my face. and i have an unbelievable amount of trust in you, but it's not like i heard it from someone else. i read it in your own hand writting "i told marty we're dating now, but i have a thing with mary. i'm FUCKED"

my mind ran blank, because so many things were clouding my judgement. i wanted to run away, out in the middle of the night, until i found my way home. i didn't want to sleep beside you, the one that i had trusted, with my heart. "i'll keep it safe".

really?! you'll keep it safe?! you told me i had yours, but i don't know where that stands anymore. you told me one thing, but the thing that you thought i would never read, stated the complete opposite. i want to believe you more then anything in the world, when you look me straight in the eyes, and promise me that you love me and no one else. and i don't know if i'm making a mistake or not, but when you're the one hurting me beyond belief at that point, i just want to be in your arms. i don't feel like pushing you away, i don't want to scream at you, i just want to believe more then anything that what you're telling me is the truth. because i don't want to even imagine the day i won't be able to hear you say those words again.

i just want you to love me. and i don't know what she has that i don't give you, because i'm giving you my everything, and if i could give you more, i would. i'd give you the world. i just love the way you look at me,

i hope it never goes away.

amazing day.

i woke up yesterday morning,
with your text message.
a smile grew instantly on my face.

i had a feeling it was going to be a great day.
i got up, cleaned, and then was making plans with you, as to when you were going to come over.
as i was on the phone with you,
i was checking my emails,
and found out i was accepted to college.
in photograhy, the one thing i love.
i honestly cried, and i got to share that
with you.

my father called me abu for the first time,
in over ten years.
he thought it would embarass me,
but honestly, i love it when he calls me abu.
the day just got better.

and then, later that night,
you were lying next to me, and was explaining,
how one of your friends saw us holding hands.
"charles who's your new girl?"
"just a friend"

as you re-explained the events, my stomach turned.
just a friend?

"charles, friends don't hold hands"
"we do."

i couldn't just sit there and smile,
while you told me we were just friends.
i didn't want to bring it up,
i tried to brush it off.
you could tell right away,
and you kept on asking me,
what was wrong.

i kept on answering nothing, faking a smile.
i just wanted to roll up in a ball and cry.
you were holding me, and kissing my forehead.
"just friends, just friends, just friends"
i kept on telling myself, trying to convince myself,
there would never be anything else,
that this is what you thought.

eventually it just became unbearable,
because you had implied "girlfriend"
many times before, then swapped it back
to "just friends".
confused, hurt, and ready to cry, i asked you:
"where do we stand?"
and then you asked me:
"where do you want to stand"
i knew the answer to that question,
but i chose to say "i don't know".
i was afraid to hear what you thought,
that we were "just friends".

but you asked me
"do you want to be together?"
i didn't know what to expect after i'd answer.
i nodded, unsure of what i had just done.
"let's be together then"
with a loving smile on his face.
"this is just something i can't back down on"
i smiled even bigger.

everything felt alright,
without a doubt in my mind,
i just smiled him and kissed him.
everything had found it's place.
and this "in-between" love,
was gone.

i was yours now, and you're mine.
you still don't know my wish.
but we're well on our way.

i figured this would be a good day,
but i never saw this coming.

11:11

i woke up this morning,
with my phone vibrating under my pillow,
wondering who it could be, at such an early hour.
i looked at it, it was a text message, sent 6 hours ago,
and my phone had been vibrating every 10 minutes for the past hours.

your name showed up at the top of the little screen,
and a smile instantly grew on my face.
when reality is better then any dream,
and when the little things make me smile so big.
you are amazing.

you wrote such beautiful words,
it made my day.
you made my day within the first minute i opened my eyes.
i'm in love with everything about you.

i don't know where we stand right now,
but i'm just so comfortable where ever we are, i don't care.
i need you, to breathe.
i need you, to smile as big as i do.

"you're the cheese to my grill cheese"
"you're the blood in my veins"
"you're the stars in my sky"

"you're my everything"

as those words stumbled out of your mouth,
i found myself feeling complete, like no one could ever hurt me.
like i had found my place in the world,
and it was holding your hand.

i can honestly say this is like nothing before.
i do not feel jealous, or the need to call you mine.
because just spending every minute i can with you,
as you hold me throughout the night,

this is where i'm supposed to be.
in your arms, holding your hand,
and smiling uncontrollably while you call me beautiful,
over and over again.

i hope i never do anything to dissapoint you,
or to make you hurt.
because you deserve the best things
in the world, in life.

you have the most amazing heart,
something i've never really seen,
nor felt.

you make me grow as a person,
want to be better all the time.
you make me feel like i have a meaning,
like i'm here for a reason.

i feel like you're where i need to be.
you're who i'm supposed to be with.
we wish at 11:11 everytime we catch it.
i've been making the same wish, all the time.
you asked me what my wish is,
and i never tell you.

"you have to tell me, so i can make it come true"
"you can't just make it come true, it has to just happen"

"no, no, trust me. i'll make it happen"

thing is, my wish is that that we'll never be apart.
that maybe, really, that i'll still hold your hand,
4o years from now.

that's what my wish is.
that i'll still be holding your hand in 40 years.
i hope you don't read this.
or it might not come true.