i was really mad when i wrote that last post. i can see why, and it was only a few hours ago. i was sick of feeling like a secret, and you wern't telling anyone we were dating. i felt like i was being kept undercovers, and when we were together, you never told anyone i was over. it's like we were in our own little world. like when we were with other people, we wern't together, i didn't mean anything, and like you hardly knew me. i confronted you about, with teary eyes and an open heart, and i got the answers i was looking for. or i think i did anyway. i'll find out with time. and then i got slapped right in the face, not literally of course. but i think it hurt even more then if it would have been used in a literal sense.

But after all the tears, and our first "fight", hell, i can see this getting better. i can see why you were confused, and you swore to me, over and over again, that this "thing with mary" that you wrote about, was that you hadn't done anything with her. my gut was telling me to not believe you, because i've been hurt so many times, for believing people when i had every reason not to. but with my heart in my hands, out in the open, again; i'm giving you all of my trust. i've written before that i didn't care about calling you mine. and i still stand by that. it's imagining you being the same way you are with me, with someone else, makes my stomach turn. and even though i try to make it look like it's not eating me up, it still is.

i want to forget about this, i think i'm going to try to pretend like it never happened. but that would be foolish of me, because i can't just let something like this go. we've only been dating for a week, not even. so i should let this one go, i suppose. i want to be the one holding your hand, and making you smile. you keep on telling me she's gone, and that it's just me and you. you swore to me over and over, that nothing ever happened. and i believe you. i think you're afraid. i think you're confused. and i think seeing me breakdown, might have kicked some sense into you. seeing that you had the power to break me, because i cared so much, i think it made you see, what we really have. when you looked me straight in the eye, and poured your heart out to me, you looked like you were about to cry. but one thing that i could really tell, you honestly looked like you were so afraid, and that you were wishing, so hard, that you wern't going to lose me. i could tell, by that look in your eye, that you were holding on to my stare for dear life. "i understand if you're mad at me". i was furious, but not out of anger really, it was purely because i was so hurt, and your arms were the only place that were going to make me feel better.

so i'm not going to forget this, but i'm going to let it go. i'm going to believe your word, because i feel like you're just as scared, confused, and lost as i am. we're both looking for answers about love, life, and everything in between. i want to be holding your hand when we find all these answers. i know the last thing you want to do is hurt me. and i know we're going through a rough patch right now. we've only been dating for a week, and seeing each other for over a month, but we see each other so often it feels like months.

i want to be holding your hand through this crazy adventure we call life.