he was cheating on me all along.

i gave up two months ago, and i've started a new blog.

a new life, a new page, a brand new smile.

you admitted to a lie, right after you said it,

for the very first time, just a few days ago.

as much as i hate that she called, and that you lied,

you told me the truth about 15 seconds later,

and i didn't even have to ask for it.

as angry as i am, i can't help but be so happy,

that you told me the truth.

we're going through a rough patch,

because you've never been in a relationship, that you

didn't feel like you had to lie, until now.

old habits die hard.

we're going through so much, saying so many things,

but i feel like it's needed, and that it's the only way,

that we're going to make it through all this.

we can do it baby.

i believe in us.

you lied again, and you felt horrible the moment i caught you.

i deserve so much better then this, i can do so much better.

i don't lie to you, i can't do it through my teeth like you do.

i don't know if this is all going to work out, if you keep on lying to me,

the way that you do, like it's just so easy.

you blame it on old habits, but those arn't my fault, and i'm stuck

paying for your past mistakes, while i'm trying to step forward.

i want to be happy, and live with truth, honesty, and love.

they all fall hand in hand, and i keep on giving myself reason to trust you,

but you keep on taking it away from yourself,

you're fucking this up for yourself.

i want to love you, i want to be with you, but i can't do that,

if you can't even tell me the truth. i want to hold you forever,

because i love you more then you could ever know, but you
always push me away, and say what you think i'd want to hear.

truth is, i want to hear just that, the truth.

i don't care how much it stings, i don't care how much, it makes me cringe.

i just want it all, like a deck of cards, laid out in front of me.

no suprise, you've been keeping cards inside your sleeves.

i can't keep living like this, i'm going to start doubting everything you say.

because you hide things from me, and seem to think i'll never figure it out.

but the thing is, your stories arn't consistant, they don't stay the same.

you change them because you forget your first lie, then you make a new one.

i hate this, i hate it when you do that, i can't even look you in the eye.

i took alot less shit from other people before breaking up with them,

but i can't do that this time, it would break my heart.

you're my bestfriend, my lover, and everything in-between.

i want to give you everything you want, and need.

i'll bend over backwards to see you smile, and to know you're happy.

just stop lying to me.

i think we might start to get better.
slowly, we're growing together again.
i've been spending some time on my own, alot of it,
and i forgot how great it felt to really just be happy,
truly, with myself, and no one else.

i've learnt alot about myself,
and i got so stuck on the idea that i was losing you,
to see what we actually had.

you really are my bestfriend, and you're not going anywhere
we've been through SO much,
and if you would have been wanting to leave,
you'd be lone gone by now.
five months already.

i hope this lasts, because i remember looking into your eyes,
and thinking it was too good to be true.
i remember writting pages and pages, about how it was all in my head,
that i was temporary, an in-between thing, and my thinking was
i rather have as much of you as i can, while i can
five months later, i'm still holding your hand.

i can honestly say, I am completely head over heels in love with you.

we're falling apart,
and it's just a matter of time at this point.
i don't want to lose you, i'm not ready to let go.
i'm not ready to forget everything.

our lips are moving, and we're not talking.
but everything isn't as sweet as before,
because now we're arguing.

and the whispers turn to talking,
and the talking turns to screaming,
and you just don't understand.

i don't know why you hold on to her so dearly,

maybe i should just let go.

i'm really starting to think you were never ready for this.
i'm going to be just another laura
we're going to end up in the same rut you two did.
i can feel it already.

maybe this is going to change once you come back.
i hope so, i really really hope so.
i'm losing grip of the biggest thing in my life right now.
i want you back, i want you to be mine.

but i don't know if i mean enough to you,
i don't know if i'm worth it to you.
but i hope so.

i don't think i should trust you the way i do.
i think you're straying.
i think i might have to let you go.

i'm so scared.

bliss.

i don't know if the bliss of our innocence is ever coming back,
i don't know if i'll ever have that same sparkle in my eyes again,
i love you, more then you know, but i don't know how to deal with this.
i always tell myself i'm over it, then i feel better, but that's temporary.
it's been a long time running, i should be over it by now.
i'm not sure if it's what you did that i can't let go of,
or rather the fact that you let yourself do it.

you let yourself fall for her, when you knew what you were already in.
you were with me, and we were supposed to be happy.
the first few weeks of a relationship are supposed to be bliss,
mine were hell. but i took them anyway, because i figured, maybe,
that you were worth it.

months are going by, and i'm still stuck in the same rut.
i'm over it mentally, but not emotionally, and it hits me,
at random times.

i want to be over it, truth is,
i'd rather pretend it never happened.

but everytime i look at you, and i know you looked at her,
with that sparkle in your eye, i cringe.

a part of me hates you for what you did to us.

the stars don't shine as bright as you.

i'm feeling alot better.
i feel like i've found my place, and everything seems so much more certain.
it's been four long months.
i've come to accept that you can't control how you feel,
no matter how much you want to.



you said sorry a thousand times, and i was still just as hurt.
it wasn't your fault.
it wasn't right, and it never will be, but i can live with it now.
this little bump we had in the road, does not deny the rest of
the beautiful scenery on this roadtrip we call life.



i know how you feel now, and that's enough for me,
to call you mine, proudly, for the rest of my life.
i'd marry you tommorow if you asked me to.
i'd give you my hand, if you took mine.



i'm in love with everything you are, and i wouldn't trade you for anyone
in the whole world.
you make me smile with such an open heart,
and the rest of the world becomes a blur when i'm with you.

nothing can hurt me, because you're the only one with the power to do so.
you would never do anything to hurt me,
and i know you'd protect me from any harm coming my way.
we're so commited to spending our lives together.
i just find it oh, so, beautiful.



it's at night when i'm lying next to you,
and you kiss my forehead, that i really see how lucky i am.
it's when i know i'm the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep,
how you repeat like a broken record, over and over again:
"i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you"
i treasure you more then you know.



you shine brighter then every star,
and every single one of them is a different reason as to why i love you.
i've found a feeling of stability that i've never experienced,
and it's because you're so sure of what you feel in your heart,
and you're willing to do anything to keep it that way.
you've taught me how to love, with my heart on my sleeve.
and truth between us is key, if we're going to make it in the long run.
so open up baby, and just let it all out.
you could never dissapoint me.


Charles West, I love you.

i give up.

oblivious

the words stumbled off my tongue,
and you looked at me like i had just destroyed
every notion of who you thought you were.
i just wanted to hate you so badly.
i urged to scream at you from the top of my lungs,
and spill out all my thoughts onto the floor.

i can keep a grudge,
but im a master at keeping it under covers.
i still hate every mention of her name,
and the thought of it all makes me cringe,
just a bit more and it would make me physically sick.

i should be over this by now
it's been 4 long wonderful months,
she wants all of us to get together sometime,
but we don't all belong together, you belong with me.
she still wants you, so bad.
and somehow, still, you're oblivious to it.

that nightlight stays on in my head,
it sparks and burns out everytime she comes into mention.
i wish it had been worth it, i wish i had been worth it.
you put us on the line.


we're moving together soon,
and never will she enter our home.
she wants something she can't have, but the thing is,
she had it for a little bit, and i was oblivious.

maybe i've been oblivious all along.
why did you have to make this so hard?

i want her to go away.
i want her to see that she's not welcome.
i want her to realize that you're better off without her.

because i can't help but remember,
how you were about to replace me,
how you were ready to let me go.
"i've known her for years".
if that's what's important for you, we're clearly
going to have alot of problems.

i met her yesterday, she walked up to you,
with the biggest smile on her face.
she started up a conversation with you,
trying to avoid getting me into it,
but i still put in the random laugh,
the random agreeing.
she did not make eye contact with me once.
avoiding my glance.
i just wanted to walk away and start screaming.
i wanted to scream at her,
and tell her how much you've hurt me,
because of her.
how she's so much prettier then me,
slimmer then me,
but i sure as hell know, she could never ever
love you as much as me.

i've always wanted to be someone's everything.
i've always gotten replaced with someone wittier,
prettier, slimmer, funnier, just better all around.
and for once, i had been so convinced that i was going
to infact, be that person.

but reality smashed down on me.
i was over it. it was done.
it happened over a month ago,
and i had finally gotten her out of my head.
but she walks up to you, like i didn't even exist.
and then, big fucking suprise,
you let go of my hand.
you have no idea how much i hate her.
you have no idea how many nights there,
i lay staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out,
what she has that i don't.

no matter how many pretty words you say,
telling me how she dosn't matter,
and how much we trust eachother,
and how you tell me everything,
you don't.
or i wouldn't have been so hurt,
you tried to HIDE her from me,
that's lying.

and all i can say, is that i still feel cheated.
because bottom line is

emotional cheating is worse then physical.

On February 28th, 2009, i saw the most terrifying thing i had ever witnessed.
sitting at a red light on the highway, a car zoomed by us on our right, and went right through the light, colliding with a car that was getting off the highway. to my horror, the car that had missed the light flew up in the air and was rolling over itself, hit the traffic light, and rolled into the ditch. When i saw the car zoom by, i didn't even have time to think about what happened, i just remember seeing a big car, an SUV or a Pickup with a box of some sort. By the time it was done rolling, it looked like a station wagon. I watched the whole thing in awe, thinking maybe i was dreaming, but the minute Charles touched my arm, everything became real. Everything hit replay in my mind, and everything was colliding inside, and i couldn't think, and i could barely breathe. I lost control. i wanted to go out and help, but Charles knew as well as i did that i wasn't even in a state to do anything. Charles called 911 and we were told to stay there. My panic was growing as i had no idea if anyone was still alive. After seeing that crash, it was impossible that anyone was still alive. That's the only thing that was going through my mind as Charles was trying to calm me down, and i just couldn't. The only thing that let me catch my breath was that i wanted to see what was going on.

I ended up having to make a statement, and the police officer told us that everyone was going to be okay. I'm sure everyone who saw this, thought the people involved were going to be done for.



all this to say, that all that Charles could come up with, was "someone was watching out for us tonight". i couldn't agree more. If Charles would have chosen the right lane, we would have been hit from the back, at 100 km/h. It got me really thinking, and ever so grateful to be alive. Even though i was still shaking and crying, i was in "awe" that i hadn't just been sent to the hospital. I could have been in that van's place. But we were safe, and i sat there, almost in a dream. All i could think about when we were driving off, was Dan. I felt like he had honestly been there for me, and i still feel like he's there every day.

i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

i want you to confront me about me about this,
i want you to ask me what i think,
why i'm so bothered by this girl that obsesses over you.
you hardly notice how much it eats at me.
not because i'm afraid of what you'll do, but i hate how
she gives herself the right, and the power, to call you guys
"a team". you guys arn't a team, you know that, but she
seems to ignore the fact that she's not the only one in your life.

oh wonderful, i just got a text from you, telling me i'm not aloud
to come over anymore. what the fuck is wrong with your dad?
why does he feel the need to ruin everything in your life?
to ban you from living?

you're 19 years old fuck, he grounds you like you're 8.
he's gotten mad at you again, because i was at your house.
i feel like this is all my fault, and i'm causing nothing but trouble.
i feel like i'm only causing you to get in deeper with your dad,
and i feel horrible.

i wish we could just run away,
i wish people would just let us be, and stop us dragging down,
the people who just so happen to be so happy, and
in love.

why the fuck can't people just let us be happy.

bones.

i've found myself falling more for you, everyday.
i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel at this point,
or how i should be thinking,
but i can't imagine my life without you.

in such a small amount of time, you've turned my life around.
you've made me a better person,
and you've made me feel beautiful
when i'm around you.

you've found a way to get the best of me
without having to put up a fight.
you have a clear view into my heart,
and it's all yours for the taking.

"i love you" is a huge understatement.
i have my mind telling me i shouldnt be feeling this way,
so fast, it hasn't even been a month.
but my heart, hell, is telling me a whole different story.

i love you, with every bone in my body.

i was really mad when i wrote that last post. i can see why, and it was only a few hours ago. i was sick of feeling like a secret, and you wern't telling anyone we were dating. i felt like i was being kept undercovers, and when we were together, you never told anyone i was over. it's like we were in our own little world. like when we were with other people, we wern't together, i didn't mean anything, and like you hardly knew me. i confronted you about, with teary eyes and an open heart, and i got the answers i was looking for. or i think i did anyway. i'll find out with time. and then i got slapped right in the face, not literally of course. but i think it hurt even more then if it would have been used in a literal sense.

But after all the tears, and our first "fight", hell, i can see this getting better. i can see why you were confused, and you swore to me, over and over again, that this "thing with mary" that you wrote about, was that you hadn't done anything with her. my gut was telling me to not believe you, because i've been hurt so many times, for believing people when i had every reason not to. but with my heart in my hands, out in the open, again; i'm giving you all of my trust. i've written before that i didn't care about calling you mine. and i still stand by that. it's imagining you being the same way you are with me, with someone else, makes my stomach turn. and even though i try to make it look like it's not eating me up, it still is.

i want to forget about this, i think i'm going to try to pretend like it never happened. but that would be foolish of me, because i can't just let something like this go. we've only been dating for a week, not even. so i should let this one go, i suppose. i want to be the one holding your hand, and making you smile. you keep on telling me she's gone, and that it's just me and you. you swore to me over and over, that nothing ever happened. and i believe you. i think you're afraid. i think you're confused. and i think seeing me breakdown, might have kicked some sense into you. seeing that you had the power to break me, because i cared so much, i think it made you see, what we really have. when you looked me straight in the eye, and poured your heart out to me, you looked like you were about to cry. but one thing that i could really tell, you honestly looked like you were so afraid, and that you were wishing, so hard, that you wern't going to lose me. i could tell, by that look in your eye, that you were holding on to my stare for dear life. "i understand if you're mad at me". i was furious, but not out of anger really, it was purely because i was so hurt, and your arms were the only place that were going to make me feel better.

so i'm not going to forget this, but i'm going to let it go. i'm going to believe your word, because i feel like you're just as scared, confused, and lost as i am. we're both looking for answers about love, life, and everything in between. i want to be holding your hand when we find all these answers. i know the last thing you want to do is hurt me. and i know we're going through a rough patch right now. we've only been dating for a week, and seeing each other for over a month, but we see each other so often it feels like months.

i want to be holding your hand through this crazy adventure we call life.

it's like thinking that there's one more step, and the moment your foot hits emptyness, the bitter feeling of suprise surrounds you, and weighs down on your heart. i sat there, for weeks now, thinking that fairy tales would be jealous of us. that nothing could ever pull us apart. but when reality kicked in, it didn't just walk in the door, it ripped it to shreds, and scared the living shit out of me. my mind went blank, and i could hardly see as my eyes watered up. nothing seemed real as i could feel my palms slam against the walls as i was running down the stairs. the burning feeling was rising, and all i wanted to do was scream, until i couldn't hear anything else. because that's what my heart felt like. it felt an overwhelming amount of anger, caused by hurt. I never expected to hurt this bad, this fast. It all got shoved in my face all at once, and it was just too much to take. my body began to shake, i could hardly breathe. the air felt like it was corrupting my mind, but i needed to gasp for air. you wrote it down, in that little black fucking book. i never go through people's things, but in my intoxicated mind, i just wanted to have a sight into yours, to see what you really thought, and i found it. i found what you were really thinking. and now you deny it, to my face. and i have an unbelievable amount of trust in you, but it's not like i heard it from someone else. i read it in your own hand writting "i told marty we're dating now, but i have a thing with mary. i'm FUCKED"

my mind ran blank, because so many things were clouding my judgement. i wanted to run away, out in the middle of the night, until i found my way home. i didn't want to sleep beside you, the one that i had trusted, with my heart. "i'll keep it safe".

really?! you'll keep it safe?! you told me i had yours, but i don't know where that stands anymore. you told me one thing, but the thing that you thought i would never read, stated the complete opposite. i want to believe you more then anything in the world, when you look me straight in the eyes, and promise me that you love me and no one else. and i don't know if i'm making a mistake or not, but when you're the one hurting me beyond belief at that point, i just want to be in your arms. i don't feel like pushing you away, i don't want to scream at you, i just want to believe more then anything that what you're telling me is the truth. because i don't want to even imagine the day i won't be able to hear you say those words again.

i just want you to love me. and i don't know what she has that i don't give you, because i'm giving you my everything, and if i could give you more, i would. i'd give you the world. i just love the way you look at me,

i hope it never goes away.

amazing day.

i woke up yesterday morning,
with your text message.
a smile grew instantly on my face.

i had a feeling it was going to be a great day.
i got up, cleaned, and then was making plans with you, as to when you were going to come over.
as i was on the phone with you,
i was checking my emails,
and found out i was accepted to college.
in photograhy, the one thing i love.
i honestly cried, and i got to share that
with you.

my father called me abu for the first time,
in over ten years.
he thought it would embarass me,
but honestly, i love it when he calls me abu.
the day just got better.

and then, later that night,
you were lying next to me, and was explaining,
how one of your friends saw us holding hands.
"charles who's your new girl?"
"just a friend"

as you re-explained the events, my stomach turned.
just a friend?

"charles, friends don't hold hands"
"we do."

i couldn't just sit there and smile,
while you told me we were just friends.
i didn't want to bring it up,
i tried to brush it off.
you could tell right away,
and you kept on asking me,
what was wrong.

i kept on answering nothing, faking a smile.
i just wanted to roll up in a ball and cry.
you were holding me, and kissing my forehead.
"just friends, just friends, just friends"
i kept on telling myself, trying to convince myself,
there would never be anything else,
that this is what you thought.

eventually it just became unbearable,
because you had implied "girlfriend"
many times before, then swapped it back
to "just friends".
confused, hurt, and ready to cry, i asked you:
"where do we stand?"
and then you asked me:
"where do you want to stand"
i knew the answer to that question,
but i chose to say "i don't know".
i was afraid to hear what you thought,
that we were "just friends".

but you asked me
"do you want to be together?"
i didn't know what to expect after i'd answer.
i nodded, unsure of what i had just done.
"let's be together then"
with a loving smile on his face.
"this is just something i can't back down on"
i smiled even bigger.

everything felt alright,
without a doubt in my mind,
i just smiled him and kissed him.
everything had found it's place.
and this "in-between" love,
was gone.

i was yours now, and you're mine.
you still don't know my wish.
but we're well on our way.

i figured this would be a good day,
but i never saw this coming.

11:11

i woke up this morning,
with my phone vibrating under my pillow,
wondering who it could be, at such an early hour.
i looked at it, it was a text message, sent 6 hours ago,
and my phone had been vibrating every 10 minutes for the past hours.

your name showed up at the top of the little screen,
and a smile instantly grew on my face.
when reality is better then any dream,
and when the little things make me smile so big.
you are amazing.

you wrote such beautiful words,
it made my day.
you made my day within the first minute i opened my eyes.
i'm in love with everything about you.

i don't know where we stand right now,
but i'm just so comfortable where ever we are, i don't care.
i need you, to breathe.
i need you, to smile as big as i do.

"you're the cheese to my grill cheese"
"you're the blood in my veins"
"you're the stars in my sky"

"you're my everything"

as those words stumbled out of your mouth,
i found myself feeling complete, like no one could ever hurt me.
like i had found my place in the world,
and it was holding your hand.

i can honestly say this is like nothing before.
i do not feel jealous, or the need to call you mine.
because just spending every minute i can with you,
as you hold me throughout the night,

this is where i'm supposed to be.
in your arms, holding your hand,
and smiling uncontrollably while you call me beautiful,
over and over again.

i hope i never do anything to dissapoint you,
or to make you hurt.
because you deserve the best things
in the world, in life.

you have the most amazing heart,
something i've never really seen,
nor felt.

you make me grow as a person,
want to be better all the time.
you make me feel like i have a meaning,
like i'm here for a reason.

i feel like you're where i need to be.
you're who i'm supposed to be with.
we wish at 11:11 everytime we catch it.
i've been making the same wish, all the time.
you asked me what my wish is,
and i never tell you.

"you have to tell me, so i can make it come true"
"you can't just make it come true, it has to just happen"

"no, no, trust me. i'll make it happen"

thing is, my wish is that that we'll never be apart.
that maybe, really, that i'll still hold your hand,
4o years from now.

that's what my wish is.
that i'll still be holding your hand in 40 years.
i hope you don't read this.
or it might not come true.

i woke up this morning,
and thought i could feel your arms around me again. with my eyes still closed, i was confused for a moment and thought i was still in your bed. i thought i was still so close to you, that i would get to turn around and kiss you. but the moment that i opened them, reality sank in and i was sad for a little moment. i realized that i was in my own bed, alone. but then the smile came back, knowing i had been in your bed just last night, cuddling the night away. And this smile, is such an amazing smile, it just feels amazing to smile this way. i don't think anyone else will ever be able to make me smile this way. i honestly feel like you're going to be in my life forever, because i can't even imagine you not being in it anymore. but i know you will, because i also feel like this was supposed to happen, just like karma. i feel like i must have done something amazing for you to walk into my life, and change it with such strength, and so quickly.

you've made me smile all the time,
and i would never want it any other way.

you're beautiful.

"you really are a beautiful person"
you honestly almost made me cry,
they were the most amazing words i had
ever heard from your mouth.

everytime i look at you, i fall for you that much more.
everytime you open your mouth and you're short for words,
it makes my stomach turn upside down,
so the butterflies try to get out.

you make everything so beautiful,
i wish you could see what it looks like,
to see you looking back at me.
because honestly, i get lost in your eyes.
and my mind starts racing,
and so does my heart.

everything that we are,
everything that we will be,
and everything that we could be.

and i'm so, so excited for the future.

i wrote you a letter, stating how i feel about you.
i wasn't sure whether i was going to give it to you or not,
not sure what you'd think of it.

I knew you'd react to it somehow,
and i knew you'd atleast act like you liked it.
i was afraid i'd look obsessed.
but really, all these fears were unfounded.
i laid beside you, as you read
what my heart looked like, into words.
i gave you a view into my heart,
almost like a window.

you sat there, and smiled the whole time.
laughed a little bit.
i could hear you smile, somehow.
i could feel my heart smiling, too.
when you were done reading,
you lay down and kissed me.
with the biggest smile on your face.

i had never felt so relieved,

when you smiled at me and told me i was beautiful,

inside and out.

that i was the most amazing person you had ever met.

just knowing, that you acknowledged how i feel,

and accepting it, would have been good enough for me.

i could have never asked for you to feel the same way,

i could have never even imagined it.

everytime i think about it,

i can't get over the fact that all this is happening.

i'm in love with who you are,
as a person, as a friend, and as a lover.

And i promise.

We had a real big talk last night.

"I just don't know if it's right to say just yet, but i can't say it any other way, i love you."
"i feel like i love you already, it's safe to say"

i couldn't stop smiling.


i'm at a loss for words really.
i know, i've felt this way before, i won't deny it.
but not this fast, not this strongly,
but the one thing that's different is, you're the first one to actually feel exactly the same way.


you spend hours with me like it's the last time you'll ever see me.
you make me feel beautiful inside and out.
i feel beautiful, about who i am, and everything i do.
i feel beautiful with who i portray as a person.


i thought i was over thinking things,
trying to convince myself that you liked me.
but our lips are moving, and we're not talking.
and i'm falling in love with you.

This feeling is almost overwhelming.
I have never felt so loved in my entire life.
I always had to tell myself it was going to work, when it was clearly going downhill.
I wrote pretty words, trying to convince myself that everything was amazing.

but for the first time, i can sit there and smile, and be in love with who i am,
and who you are.

You're not sure if you want a relationship.
But truth be told, "official" or not, you have my heart, and i have yours.
i don't care about some stupid facebook status, or bragging to my friends.
all this means nothing.

What means the most is how i can hold you so close,
and my heart feels like it's in a marching band.
my insides go into a twisting bundle of joy, and i end up shaking.
it's not about rushing into anything,
it's appreciating every single second i can be with you.
from late night mochas, to just staring at each other, almost in a trance.

this is what it's all about.
i'm in love with you, already, somehow.
i know love is a big word,
but so is this feeling.
i fall asleep with a smile on my face, and i feel like i could live off of happiness.
i forget about everything else in the world, and everything seems that much more beautiful.

thank you, so much.

Dear fuck head.

It's not that i got over you quickly. well, rather, i wouldn't have but you made me that way. a lie is a lie, no matter how serious.

you made me so mad, i forgot everything i ever felt for you.
well, rather, i got over it in moments.
and as i told you to get the fuck out, i didn't regret it one single bit.
and i still don't.

i've met a boy who will treat me right.
and he makes me happier then you EVER did.
he's just so genuinely wonderful,
he makes me so happy i could cry.
i always had to be dressed up, makeuped up to feel beautiful in front of you.

the thing is, he wakes me up in the morning, with my hair out of wack, my makeup running, and my baggy pjs.

and still, he wakes me up whispering "good morning beautiful"


i'm sorry, but you don't compare.
i don't think you ever could.


he has a bigger heart then you,
he would never lie to me,
and he dosn't make me feel like i need to be better then i really am.

tough luck, fucker.
don't even try to make me feel bad,
don't even try to get back with me.
it's not working.

Dear Holly.

Dear Holly.

You complete me.

You've always been there, and i hope you know i'll always be there for you. you are probably the most amazing person i've met in my entire life, i could remember times we've had and i'd have a smile on my face for the rest of my days.You've kept my head up for so long, when i was ready to give up. you brighten up my world, and everyday i spend with you is the new best day of my life. I honestly mean that. You are an amazing person, with a heart of gold. I could only wish to someday have close to the heart that you have, i would be so happy. you make mesmile every moment i'm with you, and i miss you when you're gone. i love our chinatown, pottage adventures. you make me smile everytime i talk to you, and really,from the first day i ever met you, i knew we were going to be close. but i had no idea what this was going to become, how you were going to be the person i could tell anything to, that you would be the one i would call my bestfriend until the dayi die. You always put everyone else's happiness ahead of yours, gah, really, you have no idea how amazing you are, i wish you could see it. i am so ridiculously proud of you, and what you've acomplished. i'm so proud to even know you. just as a person, you have so much that people should look up to. i can't even think of one negative thing about you, you constantly amaze me. you were always there for me when i needed you the most, and holly, i swear to you, i promise, i will never ever give up on you. because that's not an option, it's not in consideration. therei s no way that could wouldn't be my bestfriend. i love every single thing about you. how you walk how you talk and how you act. i love the way you smile, and how we get into giggle fits and can't stop laughing. i don't think you could ever understand how much you mean to me, and i don't think i could ever put it into words. i could try forever if you asked me to. i would come up with millions of words hoping you could just grasp a tiny sight of what you mean to me. you brighten up my world, really. i don't know if i could ever get sick of you. scratch that, i never could. you make me smile, and i never get enough of you. i could see you everyday and iwould always be so happy. i am so ever grateful to have you in my life.


never forget that.
you are amazing.
and i love you with every bone in my body.

-marty.

I miss you.

They always said that time would make things easier,
That it would numb the pain.
But the truth is, I miss you more everyday,
And it just gets harder every time i open my eyes.
I’ve pushed you into the deepest part of my mind, and my heart.
Your very existence is almost a secret, isolated from the world, but you opened up to me.

I miss you terribly, to say the least.
I almost hear the soft tremble of your voice sometimes,
As I close my eyes to go to sleep.
And the way your fingertips brushed those strings,
Chords of despair ringing out of your guitar
You will always be my lullaby.

I have nothing left of you but a memory, a broken picture, a vague sound of laughter.
You told me you saw my face like an angel, that I was the best thing in your life,
The only thing keeping you in this insane place we call life.
« Bring me with the grace of an angel where life has it’s end and reasons »
Those words will forever haunt my mind.

I lost hope in god when you lost sight of life.
But yet, i want to believe more then anything that you’re okay, in a good place.
I wish i could believe looking up at the big blue sky, that you’d be there smiling at me.
I’d do anything to see your face just one more time.
One more smile, one more embrace, I’d do anything.
And i can honestly say that, I would give up anything.
I’d give up everything, just to see you smile at me one more time,
Because without you, I feel empty.
A big part of my heart died when you did, and it’s not coming back, and neither are you.

I need you so much more, then you could have ever imagined.
I fall apart; I need you here, not just in my heart.
As much as I kick and scream, you’re not coming back.
It gets hard to breathe every time I think about you,
You just left so suddenly, and I’m just so happy I got to say that i love you.
I got to tell you that I love you, and I always will.
I think that’s what’s letting me stay sane.

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay.
I don’t think the fact that you’re gone will ever seem less bitter.
It’s been two years already, and somehow, you’re still always on my mind.
Your death will never be okay in my eyes, nor my heart.
It’s refusing to let go.

I find myself writing about you all the time
Words are the only thing i have left, all I can remember.
How you told me fairy tales didn’t exist, that they were clearly a lie.
I insisted they did, but with you gone, you were right, they don’t.
Nothing will ever be perfect without you here.
I wanted us to grow old together, look back on our lives and smile,
But I’m already looking back on yours and I have a teary eyed smile.

I often find myself looking up, trying to see something that isn’t there.
Trying to get a hint, that maybe you’re alright.
I have no proof of that, I wish I did.
I hope you’re happy now, I know you fought this for too long.
This should have never ended this way,
i know what you did, you know me too well.
And I thank you for that, because of what you did, I don’t blame myself for what happened.
I know i would have, you knew it too.
Thank you so much.

You’ve saved me from myself so many times,
You kept a smile on my face when I needed you most,
And now I have to get up every day, knowing I have to do this by myself.
I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want to have to live this crazy life by myself.
But i have to keep my head up high, and I’m doing it for you.

I know you want the best for me, you always have.
Sometimes I’ll be walking, and I’ll think I heard your voice.
I’ll turn around and I’ll realize I’m alone.
It’s always a soft whisper, as if you were telling me a secret in my ear.
You always sound so far away, and I can never make out what you’re saying.
But I’m sure they’d be pretty words.
Loving, beautiful words.

I have never loved a human being so much in my entire life,
And I don’t think I ever will.
You will always and forever be the love of my life,
The one who got away,
The one who slipped away,
And the voice inside my head.

You were always my lullaby.

May ‘06

I love you Dan.